Under Pressure

I miss Portland. I miss my parents. I do NOT like snow. There, now I that I got all of those complaints off my chest, I think I am ready to talk about what I really want to talk about.

Since moving to a location ever SO much closer to my parent-inlaw-type-people, I have pretty much constantly felt under pressure. Not that they aren't nice people, because they definately are. But they just have this expectation where I am supposed to live my life by their standards, and it's starting to drive me a little crazy.

They have opinions about everything-but it's more than opinions. They have this way of constantly trying to needle you into doing what they want, and while I am sure they have the best intentions, I really feel like they are trying to manipulate me-and there is nothing that I hate more than being manipulated.

Here's how they do it, they are always telling me that I should "consider" doing things "for the good of" our son. And it doesn't come across MEAN, exactly, just like they are trying to manipulate me.

I should go to their church because that's "what's best for the baby". Well, it just so happens that I don't like their church-but I feel like I can't tell them that because they will think that it means that I don't like them. Not so. I just think that their church is the "no sinners allowed" kind of church, that I find rediculous, and not the kind of arena that I want our son to be in because that doesn't jive with how I view God. Example: I was "not allowed" to be in the Christmas Choir because my other half and I are not married, and our living in sin sets a bad example for the other people in the church. I think that if the Christmas Choir could only be made up of non-sinning "good-example" type people, then it would be a Jesus-only choir. That's a big difference of opinion right there.

And speaking of marriage, they are CONSTANTLY "suggesting" to me that the other half and I get married, again saying that it would be "so much better" for our son. Okay, first of all, I don't think his life is terrible the way it is now. Second of all, I think the things that kids need most are parents who love eachother, respect eachother and themselves, and stay together. WE DO THAT. We've been together over four years. We love eachother more than anything, we're faithful, and monogomous, and staying together forever. And lastly, our son can't read. It's not like he even knows if we're married or not, and a piece of paper with a bunch of writing that our almost three year old can't even read isn't going to effect him at all. Really, when is the last time you asked your parents "are you guys REALLY married?" If you, a full-grown adult don't, then why would my three year old? He won't. Because he won't care. So using him as a reason to get married is just a manipulation, and I don't like it. It makes me want to never get married, just so I don't feel like their maniuplation will bear any fruit.

Not that I don't want to get married. Someday, when we can afford it, that would be super. But I don't feel like we should deny ourselves basic things just to get some kind of legal paper. I also don't think that we should just throw together some crappy ceremony that we don't even like so we can "just do it". A wedding is not something you just "get finished". It's important that you are happy with it, because you only get married once. Not that I want some big fluffy million dollar wedding, but I would like basic things like, I don't know, a dress and some rings, which we really don't want to take out of our Christmas money. It is taking a LOT of restraint for me not to say "You know what? If you want us to get married SO FREAKING BAD, then maybe you should pay for it. No? Okay then, drop it."

There is just so much pressure coming from the peanut gallery that it makes it difficult for me to work my 40-50 hour work week and still have energy left. (Another thing they complain about, I should be a stay at home mom because GOOD moms stay home with their kids. You know what? I would LOVE to stay home with my son, I want nothing else. But if it comes to eat or stay home with the baby, guess what wins. THAT'S being a good parent-sacrificing your own selfish wants for the needs of your child.)


Aaarg. Oh well, pressure won't last forever. It won't last any longer than I let it. And I just don't have time to let it go on forever, I have work to do and I life to live and a family to love, weather or not they go to church or we are married or not.